“I wanna go home Grandma!” said the boy. “Hold your horses little man, Grandma needs to shop till she drops.” The boy’s grandmother was born in Beverly Hills, and never left. She’s had four facelifts, and would’ve had five if her bank account let her. “Come on Grandma this is so boring!” The boy often wondered why every time he is with a woman they are shopping, and when he is in the company of a man, they are watching television. (”Is there more to life than department stores and t.v.?”) He then went under the clothing rack to crawl around, just low enough to feel the bottom of each garment tickle his neck.
(more…)

To whom it may concern,

I’ve been thinking long and hard about chinese magnets. What do they do? Where do they come from? For that matter, what are they? Kitchen snack me. Leave me alone once and for all. The negatives and the positive on that black shellack. Shiny and smooth never impressed me much. Just another 90210. Hand-jobs are for superstars, of which I am not. Nor do I intend on becoming a righteous citizen. So, if you wonder day to day about how cool it is to be unconscious, you have become the beaver. Don’t continue to outsource the dam repairs, do them yourself. Self. You understand? No of course not, why would you? You are dead. I repeat, you cannot continue to outsource your emotions. Please reach over, no a little bit further. Good. Now, rip the cord from the T.V. set. Good. You’re making progress. Throw it out of a 9th story window. Toss it off a balcony. Lunge it off a park bench. Drop it off a small set of stairs. These are all heights, and you are an obtuse shape. It’s okay. You’ll learn soon enough what it’s like to be. Kitchen feel me.

Please click the image above to experience our trip.

At least they used to rip you off in a charming way:

Well we’re off to Portland tonight. We will try to document this adventure naturally best we can. We shall return soon. Until then, browse the earlier material. We’ll miss you. Bye.

An anonymous letter from an intensely respectable political public figure:

Comrades -
As you may be aware, Jonathan the snake has escaped yet again from his cage at the zoo. Mary, the zookeeper, “accidentally” left the smaller hatch on the northeast corner of the pen open. She has since been heavily chastised and dismissed, pending further litigation. Her dedication to her life’s work as of late has been questionable at best. Suspicions of sexual indiscretion have arisen. The full repercussion of this particular unconscionable act of malicious negligence can not be estimated at this time. However, if the serpentine fugitive continues to elude authorities, this situation could lead to a heightened level of social unrest amongst local community members, young and old alike. Fortunately, this snake is NOT poisonous nor does it pose any real threat to any living organism larger than say, the size of a cricket. Nevertheless, the free reign of an anguine creature in the climate of today’s ecology is considered highly corrosive to the core values on which this community has been meticulously built. This despicable creature, though seemingly harmless and even “cute,” is and has been a known and avowed public enemy. Not only has he been recognized as one of the key proponents of the modern art movement, but also as an highly depraved and grotesque, self-proclaimed poet, playwright, composer and philosopher whose work can be classified as nothing more than a caustically uncivilized, barbaric blight on the perfect society in which we live. He has been known to employ deceitful pseudonyms such as “Beethoven” and “Shakespeare.” Yes, alarmingly enough, some of his work has gained notoriety amongst the degenerate and misguided for reasons of affirmatively dubious nature. Please be cautious of the insidiously adaptive and powerful quality of this creature. He will not submit to any form of domination, even that of his very own Government, who’s unquestionably moral nature is most obviously beyond reproach. Worst of all, he seeks to live for the sake of living! It is this kind of loathsome mentality which makes it hard for all of us to live comfortably, safely, without worry. Please do not try and coax this agitator into cooperation through reason, for utter physical force and oppression of a most extreme and brutal nature are the only effective measures known to subjugate this type of desperate personality.

A photo displays the ferocity of this rabid creature:

Please help us destroy this beast once and for all, or one day we may have to destroy you…

Let’s all have a good week, yeah? Have a nice Sunday evening friends.

A good friend and fellow contributor has just put out a sophomore digital audio release entitled, “huh.” He goes by Dryer Buzzer, and his music could be described as electronic impressionism. Some of you may know him as Matt Morgan, the creator of that neat music video for “Growl.”
Visit http://www.myspace.com/dryerbuzzer for more information.

(Click here for the “Growl” video)

comrade;

my wings, 

my eyes and my sight. 

are open under the sky, 

but i can’t taste, 

the earth is so close, 

it’s hold so tight.